days like today make me question my small, insignificant, and yet demanding existence in life. last night i was shot down by the one guy i thought i could let get close to me. he told me that i was to pretty and smart to be with someone like him. it hurt. like getting onion juice into an already open wound. i cried and cried and cried some more. I thought he was great. smart, funny, and likes sex just as much as i do. hes 22 and been through alot of the same things i have. the best part of the entire thing is that he still wanted to be friends. he didnt want to ruin your friendship because of it. its like being in the desert for 2 months with no water and the one person that can give it to you says that you cant have it because it might be poisoned. so he thinks he might mess up my life and he mighthold me back. its rather sad actually because i thought he was the best thing that had happened to me in a long while. i wasn’t going to txt him or even talk to him for a while but i realized that i dont want him out of my life. it would make it that much more meaningless to be here.
I have noticed lately that alot of the thoughts i keep to myself are bad thoughts. i thought about killing myself today. i know i wouldn’t do it but it was interesting to think about what others would do if i took my life. i have been thinking of disappearing from this place. running and never looking back. that was one of my personal favorites. starting a new life somewhere where no one would know me. i think i may be going into a slight depression. only because i dont do anything but sleep or eat….all day.
i wish i could go back to a time where i didnt care about anything. a time when i never worried about anything. every now and again i find myself so deeply enbeded in my own fears and worries that my hair has started to fall out. thats how i can tell im real stressed. i dont eat, i dont sleep, and my hair falls out like crazy. i also get into these bad mood swings. it gets to the point where i could haul off and just beat the living shit out of someone. then there are days where i do nothing but cry all day. those days are the worst. it feels like every thing is falling apart around me when im suposed to be the one holding it up for everyone else.
another thing to add to the list of complaints. i think im going deff in my left ear. it rings periodically and sometimes its just a dull hum. i get dizzy if i stand up to fast or if i dont take my time moving around in the morning.
I have also decided that when a person asks you how you are doing, the secretly hope your worse off then they are. that way their own lives dont seem so petty and pathetic.
